Reflection of 9 years ago...

Considering I have not posted anything since Cody's first birthday, I thought today would be a good day to start blogging again. We shall see! ;) 

Actually the only reason I am writing again today was because my blog post from one year ago today came up on my time-hop app and I cried and smiled and went through all of the feelings. Good and bad. 

I feel sorta like a broken record this time of the year. We celebrate my moms birthday, we celebrate my birthday and then today comes around. The 26th of September. You know the song by Green Day, "Wake me up when September ends?" that has been my mantra for the past 9 years. If you know me at all or have known me the past 9 years, I always reflect on this day. I go through the feelings I went through 9 years ago and usually today is a really hard day. I think about how terrible it was to be in that hospital room and how my heart broke into a million pieces that day. If you want to read how I felt last year just read down a few posts. I still feel the exact same way I did last year, and the past 9 years. But today is a little different. I woke up a little less sad this year. A little more at peace. My mom died 9 years ago today. She lived, she loved and she was passionate about everything around her. She loved her family better than anybody I know. She was sweet, understanding, loving, comforting, and adorable. She wore flip flops about 95% of the year and to this day when I hear flip flops "flapping" I think of her. She was the best mama, a great wife, a loving preschool teacher that had coworkers that adored her and kiddos that loved her! She was a great women.

Today I am going to love on my family a little deeper and think about all of the wonderful memories I have of my sweet mama. She was the best. She is in heaven, the best place she can be. My heart still aches for her and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for just one more day. Or to see her with all her sweet grand babies or to hug and kiss her hand one more time. There is a lot I want. This is when I get tears in my eyes and they start rolling down my cheek. I am not going to dwell on the "what could have beens" but it's hard not to think about. The best part is, she is watching over all of us and I like to think that she is smiling from heaven, happy with the life she created and the legacy she left behind.

I love you mama. I miss you more than ever and thank you for loving so well, that I can still feel it today. 

I added this sweet picture of my boys because I am the mama I am today because of her! 

Happy 1st Birthday my Cody love...

Wow, my sweet baby boy turns 1 today!! How is that even possible? I blinked and the year went by! I truly believe that was the fastest year of my life! I think with Luke everything was new and we only had him, so it didn't seem like it went too quickly and now with Cody, I think because he is the 2nd and because life is just crazy busy it just flew by!! Either way, it has been such an incredible year! I not only watched my sweet baby grow into this crazy adorable toddler, I got to watch Luke become a big brother. Both of my boys make my heart want to explode! I am a blessed mama! In honor of my Cody Bears birthday tomorrow I wanted to make sure I took the time to write him a birthday letter.

Cody,
Oh my love, you are 1 year old today! Gosh that is SO hard to believe. One year ago you were born and I instantly fell in love with you! You entered the world on a little bit of a scary note, but everything turned out fine and there you were, all 9 lbs 14 oz of you! You came into this world very quiet (which was the scary part) and you kind of just stayed very mellow and adorable ever since! :) Your smile can light up a room! You are always SO happy and flash that sweet grin of yours to everyone around you! There is just something about you my love that I can't explain. Those dark brown eyes and chubby little cheeks mixed with that grin, it so captivating! I just know you are going to move mountains one day! You have made being a mama such a blessing. I have adored watching you grow and become the sweet boy you are. Each month has brought new things, and seeing you explore and learn new things has been amazing! You are so determined and when you put your mind to something you figure out how to get it! Now that you are becoming a little more vocal, I can see that even more! My quiet little man is growing up, and I wouldn't want it any other way! ;) You walk everywhere and love playing with your big brother. Watching you two giggle and enjoy being with each other makes my heart so happy! I adore your relationship. You love Luke so much and I know he loves you just as much!

Well babe, I don't think I can ever say the perfect words to you about how much you mean to me! Just always know how much your mama loves you! You joined this family and it felt like it should have been that way forever. You are my little man, my Cody Bear and baby bear! You are SO special and I adore you more than you will ever know. Thank you for making me far happier than I could ever imagine possible.

I love you so much Cody.

Love,
Mama

You're going to miss this...

I am not one to wish away moments or times in my life, except for a select few, but I have found lately that I have had quit a few people tell me, " Your're going to miss this" when it comes to my kiddos. Let me tell you I already miss so many things about my kids. I miss the feeling of having a newborn baby for the very first time. All the newness of this sweet little infant baby and learning how to be a mom. I miss the fact that baby brother has now mastered rolling, crawling and almost walking in his short almost 10 months of life! Believe me when I say, I never wished a stage away.

I have however encountered a few "hiccups" in my sweet boys' life that I am glad are over, or glad we survived! Ha! Like the diaper rash Luke had for 6 months!! I am not even exaggerating! If you ask my husband and me what one of the most stressful things about parenthood so far has been, that would take the cake! It was terrible. Nothing would make that stubborn rash go away and we were about to go mental. Literally. It was right in the midst of potty training, and we thought we would be stuck in that nightmare forever! I know we could have been in such a worse situation, but it was tough and I am SO glad it is over! 

Also the time recently when Cody fell and hit his eye on the toy trunk and got a black eye. Ya, not my favorite moment and I wish it never happened! But these type of moments happen and it's all the joys of raising boys and everyday life!

What made me think of this today, was the fact that I dragged both boys into a store today, and as we were walking in Luke was seriously crying because he did not want to go in. " I don't want to go to Big Lots, I don't want to go to Big Lots." were the words coming out of his mouth as we were walking.( I just needed a rug, for Pete's sake!) There was a lady walking in behind us and she said, "Oh it's starting already, a typical male not wanting to shop." I laughed and said, "Ya, it's starting already." she then said, "Enjoy it, your going to miss this. Mine is 18 and moved away and I miss it." I smiled and said, "I will." As I continued through the store I was thinking that I hoped I didn't look like I wasn't enjoying my time with my boys. As much as I didn't want Luke to be throwing a fit, I spoke with him about his tantrum and we moved on. That moment wasn't our best, but it was a learning experience for both of us. Every day is a learning experience. I hope I don't ever look or act as if I am wishing any moments away. 

I am glad I was reminded of this today. Slow down and enjoy every stage of life, Because one day, I will be that lady that tells a young mom to "enjoy every stage because it goes fast." At the time you shrug it off and think that all these early mornings and midnight feedings will last forever.

 But they don't and I will miss it.I know that for a fact. 

Goodnight.

~Breanna

One More Time...

This month always comes around....I can't keep it from coming. I always wish I could just skip the month of September and then I would be okay. But who am I kidding, September or not, reality is, SHE is not here. September 26th, 2006 is the day my mama went to heaven. It seems like yesterday, but also seems SO long ago. How has it been 8 years? 8 years since I saw my mom. Those words are hard to write. The pain of her dying never leaves me. It is a constant nag at the back of my mind. I can get through my days and for the most part am at peace of knowing she is in Heaven, the most perfect place you can be, but it still doesn't take away the fact that she is not here. I am selfish, I want her here. Even as a 29 year old women, I want my mom and I miss her terribly. As humans we are equipped with the knowledge of knowing our parents will pass away in our lifetime, but it doesn't make it any easier when it does happen. So much has happened since she died. I've wondered a lot lately what I would tell her if I could have just one more conversation with her. I would do ANYTHING for that to happen, But I would always want more, so I guess it could never happen :(. But if I could sit down with my mom one more time and tell her everything that has happened in the last 8 years, this is what I would tell her......(obviously in a nut shell. If I was really telling my mom what has happened in the past 8 years we would have talked for days!)

Dear Mama,
First off, I miss you SO much. I can't believe it has been 8 years since I saw you. I think about you every single day. I never imagined that you would be gone this early in life, but am so thankful for the time we did have together. I got married to Nick almost 5 1/2 years ago. I am so thankful you knew him and knew we would one day get married. Remember when we used to look at jewelry store adds and pick out the rings we liked? He picked a good one! We got married at a venue on a lake, that I know you would have loved! It was a perfect day, but I longed to have you there. I graduated college! I became a teacher, just like you! I taught for 4 years, and just this past May stopped teaching. It just wasn't what I thought it was going to be. Maybe I'll go back one day, maybe I won't but I am glad I gave it a try. You are a Granma, mama! Just like you wanted! I found a notebook of yours in the garage not too long after you died that said you couldn't wait to have grand babies. My heart aches that you aren't here to meet them and play with them, and be their Grammy Tammy. You would have been the absolute best Granma. Believe me though, they all know about you! Bryson had your first granddaugther and after that the babies just kept coming! Bryson has 3 girls, Britt has a girl and a boy, and I have two boys! I have Luke and Cody. You would adore them and they would adore you! Luke is 3 and is a really sweet boy. He loves everything Dinosaurs, and is obsessed with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He is great at sports and can be pretty shy! He got to start pre-school this year, and guess where he is going? La Casa De Cristo! and he is in your same classroom! It seems so strange to be in that same room that you once taught in, but I have so much peace with it as well. His teachers are great, and he has the teacher that started teaching while you were sick. She knew of you and hugged me tight when she found out who I was and who Luke was. It is a very special situation. The La Casa team still loves you and speaks so highly of you! Then there is Cody. Cody is 9 months old and is just about the most precious thing in this world ( I am bias, I know). He is so full of love and happiness, it just radiates from him. He is just about to start walking, he pulls himself up to everything and walks along anything that will hold him up. He loves ALL food and would eat all day if we let him. He loves his big brother, and I think the love is mutual. He is a mama's boy right now, and I love it! All the grand babies love Dad! He is the best Papa! You would probably love him even more seeing him as a grandpa. He is pretty great! I know he misses you terribly. You were the love of his life and always will be. This part of life without you is so hard. We all miss you so much. We spend a lot of time together as a family, just like we always did. The Hevner Cabin is still exactly how you decorated it. It is a little piece of "Mama" when we are there. We all cherish the memories we had with you and became better people because of you! I love you mama so much and will never ever forget the sound of your voice and the feeling of holding your hand. I love you.

Love,
Me

I would then hug her and never want to let her go.  Our conversation would last for hours, just like they always did. We could talk about anything and everything. I would hold her hand and kiss the top of her hand like we always did before we would leave each other.

We had a very special relationship that will carry me through this lifetime and get me to when I will see her again! Another September 26th is coming and about to go. God gained a pretty special Angel this day 8 years ago.

September is hard. October, I welcome you with open arms.


*I felt like I was about 8 years old writing that letter. Bare with me. It has been on my mind for months, what I would tell her if I could talk to her one more time. That is what came to mind and I needed to write it down!

~Breanna

My pregnancy journey with Cody...{better late than never!}

So.... we are just going to pretend that I didn't forget to write about my pregnancy or that I didn't do Cody's 3,4, and 5 month update posts, mmmkay?!? I was so much better at the monthly updates when I had Luke! But now with two kiddos, things are a little busier! I also don't have a laptop anymore. Since I am no longer teaching, I do not have my work computer anymore! With that said, it is very rare for me to sit down at our desk top and actually write...but I am here today and need to do some updating! 

Now that we have Facebook and Instagram, I tend to put the blog on the back burner because those are so much quicker to update. I do know that I will be sad if I can't make a "baby" book like I did for Luke, for Cody! with that said. I need to rewind.....

Here it is from the beginning { As readers you may not really care, but I want to remember this}.....

On April 2nd, 2013 I found out I was pregnant with my sweet Cody boy! I had a feeling that I was pregnant and really wanted to take the test on April 1 {April Fools day} but I waited one more day for the 2nd. I got two positive tests and was SO excited! I was a little nervous because I was so afraid of our family dynamic changing. Crazy I know, but my sweet Luke was my entire world, how was I supposed to love someone as much as I loved him {ha! boy was I wrong :)} 

I went into my first appointment at about 7 weeks. This was a new doctor and office, so I was a little nervous but it all worked out great. They had a little ultrasound machine in the room and we got to see sweet baby C's {we obvi. didn't know what the sex was, but we had a C name picked out either way} little heartbeat and a small little blob on the screen. Luke was there too and he just kept saying, "a baby!" it was too cute. I again was a little nervous because sometimes you can't get a heartbeat that early and I knew with my sensitive mama heart I would have worried like crazy until our next appointment if we had not heard or found a heartbeat. Cody and Luke have a baby brother or sister in heaven that I can't wait to meet one day, but because of that I have the fear of something happening early on {heck who am I kidding, I always worry}when I am pregnant. Luke is our sweet Rainbow baby! :) 

The weeks and months started going pretty quickly, maybe because it is the second pregnancy and it's not all brand new, but the next 9 months flew by! Each doctors appointment went great and I generally felt pretty good! I had the usual aches and pains, but for working full time and taking care of a 2 year old, I was doing pretty well!

We did end up finding out the sex around 16 weeks. We went to one of those private ultrasound places that can tell you earlier than your doctors office. I for some reason really thought we were going to have a girl. With Luke I was SO sick all day long. Worse during the day time, but really was just nauseous all day. With baby C, I felt crummy all day, but I felt worse towards the late afternoon into the evenings/nighttime. So thinking that I was sick different times of the day and just the way I felt, a part of me thought we were having a girl. Nick thought it was a boy from the very beginning. He always said we will have two boys and then a girl. We also had a bet on what we were having. He bet boy, I bet girl. Whoever was right got to pick the middle name!

 We had a small gender reveal dinner at my in-laws house right after our ultrasound at 16 weeks. We had the ultrasound tech write it out on a paper and put it in a sealed envelope so we couldn't see it. We then went to the grocery store and asked the floral department to blow up either blue balloons or pink balloons and put them in a large black trash bag. We walked away while they did that { And can I just add that the ladies at the store doing this were SO cute. They couldn't believe that they knew before we did and were having a great time doing this!} we came back to a big trash bag with all different colors of string holding the balloons so we wouldn't suspect a certain gender based on the balloon strings. They even stuffed paper towels at the top of the bag so we couldn't peek :) We then went to my in-laws house and with a few family members we took off the trash bag and a bunch of BLUE balloons were revealed! As much as I would have loved having a girl. I was honestly just or if not more as  excited at the thought of another boy! I knew boy. I knew what being a boy mama was like and I really loved the thought of having my two boys!! :) Plus we already had all the stuff! Win! I honestly didn't have to buy much. Between having all of Luke's stuff, and my sister since had a boy, we were pretty covered. The only things I really needed were some colder weather jammies and things like that since he was going to be a December baby! 

I will continue with my pregnancy journey tomorrow...I have a sweet 6 MONTH old baby now and a 3  year old that need some attention!

~Breanna

That time I walked away from teaching...

Hello!

I am back...again! Hopefully to stay this time! I feel like I always have a ton to update on but then to actually sit down and write is my problem. Well today is my first official day of Summer! I have spent the last 4 years teaching. It has been the only "career" I have really had. I have had a ton of jobs, but not careers...there is a difference. Well yesterday I walked away from teaching. Something has been tugging at my heart telling me that I needed to move on, try something new, maybe get to spend a little more time with my boys. So with a job change by my husband and with lots of prayers, I walked away. As much as I have been looking forward to the end of this school year (God bless those kiddos...they were quit the group) I woke up this morning feeling a little uneasy. Not really sad, but not jumping for joy! You see, teaching is one of the very best professions I believe out there. Kids deserve the very best when it comes to education (and everything else), and teachers are the ones that can provide that for their students. I am not going to go into all the details of teaching, and if you are a teacher I would hope that you agree and if you are not a teacher, I hope that you realize how "hard" teaching can really be. Teaching is one of the toughest careers. It is all consuming, stressful, hard, underpayed (just tellin' it like it is), under appreciated, pulling (in 5 hundred directions) and tiring. Teaching is all of those things, but teaching is also rewarding, fun, inspiring, fulfilling, and at the end of the day you feel good about the impact you are making on your students. That is what I will miss the most.

With all this said.... I didn't feel like I could just teach. I had to do SO many other things throughout my days and weeks that it took over my love for just teaching. I had to do this and that and find time for this and not doing enough of that. I began to feel inadequate, like I wasn't giving enough of my time and energy into my students. That is when I ultimately decided I needed to walk away. I have learned so much the past 4 years, and feel very grateful for all the awesome people I met and got to work with along the way. I think I will always "feel" like I'm a teacher... It's what I always wanted to be. But yesterday, I walked away....I'm scared, relieved, sad, hopeful and most importantly trusting. I'm trusting that God is guiding me right where I'm supposed to be.

Thank you for "listening" and letting me be honest, real and open.

To whatever tomorrow brings,
~Breanna

Via

Luke is 3!

My sweet Luke turned 3 years old today! I can’t believe that 3 years ago all 9lbs 8oz of sweet baby goodness changed my live forever! They put him on my chest and I was in love! As any mom can tell you, it’s about the greatest experience of your life! Luke has changed SO much {Obviously} in the past 3 years and I couldn’t be more proud. He went from a sweet little baby to this little man in a blink of an eye. He is sweet, sensitive, stubborn, energetic, funny and kind hearted. I adore my boy more than he will ever know!

Lucas Ryan~ At 3 years old you:

~Are 40 lbs.

~Really tall (I am not sure the exact measurement)

~You LOVE dinosaurs and Superheroes.

~You still have blonde hair.

~You have adorable brown eyes.

~ Your favorite shows are Team Umizoomi and Paw Patrol.

~Love playing outside, especially in the dirt.

~Are a really good big brother!

~Just finished your first soccer class and did really well.

~You are a really picky eater. You tell us that everything is “eww yucky” even if you haven’t tried it.

~You love singing and dancing!

~You love playing with your cousins and your friends, but at the moment, your Uncle Noah is just about your most favorite person in the world!

~You are having a bit of a hard time sleeping in your own room, you tell us it is too dark and scary. I have a hard time reinforcing you to stay in your room by yourself, because I hated sleeping alone{ side story- bless my sweet brother and sister for putting up with me, but for the most part I had my own room growing up, but I would always have to sleep with one of them. I HATED sleeping alone. You must have gotten it from me!}

~ You love Strawberry milk, but always call it chocolate milk. Even though you know what strawberries are and know the difference, you still call it chocolate milk.

~Speaking of strawberries…you love them! Blueberries and apples too!

~You are very helpful and love to help with the dishes and laundry, but are terrible at picking up your own toys! ;)

~You have “I love you more” wars with me{mama} and it makes my heart swell! Your voice gets all raspy and you usually end up hugging me really right until you win. I love this more than you know! Oh, and I love YOU more!!

Luke,

My sweet babe. I love you more than you will ever know. You have made me the happiest mama in the world, just by being you! I thank God everyday for picking me to be your mom. I have loved watching you grow into the little man that you are becoming! Thank you for teaching me more about life than I ever thought possible! You are a special boy, and I adore you! Happy 3^rd birthday my baby!

Love,

Mama

{For some reason my computer won't upload any pictures at the moment.....so once I fix that, I will be posting pictures of Luke and his little party we had for him this past Sunday}